Being a boy mom of 3 boys is a blessing however I also deal with stay at home mom depression. Why? I wish I knew! Shelter, food, water? Check. Transportation? Check.
My kids and I can walk, talk, sing, dance, and play. My boys love me, and I love them. I have everything I need to enjoy a happy life. But I am not happy! . . . And I am not alone.
If you are a mother suffering from depression and anxiety, you are in the right place. I am by no means a medical professional but I have years of experience living and coping with depression and anxiety.
Firstly, you are not crazy! You are not ungrateful. You are not lazy and you are not overreacting. And you are not a bad mom! You are suffering from a chemical imbalance. Now say “why me?” Go ahead. Get it out of your system. Done? Great! You don’t want pity. Empathy would be nice. But what you want and deserve most of all is relief.
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I used to feel so jealous when I would see other moms with their kids. They seemed so happy pushing strollers while holding a cup of hot coffee. Their kids were perfectly coiffed and dressed as if they stepped out of a popular catalog.
I didn’t envy their material things. I wanted their boundless energy and I confessed this to my therapist in one of the weekly sessions. She told me that most of them are probably her patients! You would be surprised. Sometimes it’s the ones who look like they have it all going on are the ones sitting on the chair for 30-45 minutes and then hitting up the pharmacy.
Lesson learned.
You don’t know what people are going through by outside appearances, don’t compare yourself to others, and please be kind to yourself. This is your journey. Not theirs!
Stay at Home Mom Depression & Anxiety: This what depression looks like
Stay at home depression is dealt with differently depending on the mom and situation. In my case, I feel that my life is monotonous. Cook, clean, drive. I feel robotic. Like there is nothing fun to look forward to. And if I’m not holding a mop or broom, I feel lost. Like I’m not adding any value to the world. Can you relate?
Stay at Home Mom w/ Depression & Anxiety Symptoms
Loss of Identity – I feel like I’m nothing but a mother. I have no purpose in life other than cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
Feeling Down – I feel less than a woman. I let my kids down. We don’t do things like other families because I’m always locked in my room drinking my feelings away.
Thoughts of ‘Why Can’t I Be Happy?’ – I don’t understand why I feel this way. Even antidepressants can’t save me. I have a constant feeling of what’s wrong with me?
Worrying about everything . . . All the time – I worry uncontrollably about everything. I watch my 17-year-old take out the trash. I won’t let them on the patio. I chop up my 8-year-old’s food. I won’t let him take Doritos to school in case he chokes and I’m not there. Every time I get in the car, I think I’m gonna drive off a bridge. I won’t let my child get his learner’s permit. And I won’t let him leave when he turns 18. The quarantine is a blessing in disguise because I get to keep my kids close to me.
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Not Eating and/or Bad Eating Habits – I wish that my depression would take my appetite. Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect. I eat all day, the unhealthier, the better. And I drink constantly. When the good feeling starts to fade away, I drink until I get it back. I binge eat. I feel good while I’m eating. Once the food runs out, reality hits, and I feel terrible that I’ve hurt my body. It is a vicious cycle.
Financial Stress – I also overspend on food, clothes, shoes, games for kids, and other unnecessary things because shopping makes me feel on a high. And then, on the other hand, my depression, anxiety, and mood swings make it nearly impossible to keep a job.
Isolation – I stay in my bedroom 85 percent of the time. I only leave to go to the bathroom or to cook for my kids. I feel alone, but don’t want to be bothered. It’s confusing.
Feeling Stuck in Life – I feel that because I’m approaching 40 years old, that I should be further in life. I have been going through the same thing for years with no end in sight. I don’t have my own place, I don’t own a home and I don’t have my own business. And it’s all my fault.
Feeling ‘Nothing Makes Me Happy’ – I used to think that things would make me happy. I have tons of nice clothes and shoes piled sky-high in storage. . . Thinking it would make me happy, of course. I have tons of wigs, makeup, and jewelry. I’m still unhappy. Even the food I binge on fails to excite me. I used to enjoy writing, making music, and reading. That doesn’t excite me either.
Other posts you may find helpful:
Things That You Can Do To Help Deal w/ Stay at Home Mom Depression
Seek professional help – I’ve sought the help of a psychiatrist, and of a therapist. I have weekly phone sessions with my therapist at the moment.
Contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) online or by calling 1-800-662-HELP (4357). SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
Take it one day at a time – My anxiety increases when I think about things I have to do tomorrow or the next day, or the next week, etc. I have to focus on today and right now or nothing will get done
Practice self-care – You can brighten your day by taking a walk outside. It’s great for me, and it doesn’t cost anything! Sometimes I will even sit in my car just to get a break. And I enjoy giving myself manicures.
Improve time management – I keep a planner as well as a to-do list. I write down all the things that I would like to get done that day in order of importance. Whatever doesn’t get done, I add to the next day’s list.
Find your tribe – At the moment, I’m working on building relationships with other mothers on social media. It’s nice to know you aren’t going through things alone.
Find ways to express yourself – At the coercion of my therapist, I am starting a youtube channel. I also post weekly on my IGTV. Both of these outlets will be beneficial in meeting other moms in similar situations.
Why No One Understands Me
Sometimes I feel that no one understands me. I feel that because I have 3 relatively healthy children, I am not allowed to complain about depression, anxiety, or being fatigued. They make it seem like I am ungrateful. So I normally suffer in silence so I won’t offend anyone.
You don't know what people are going through by outside appearances, don't compare yourself to others, and please be kind to yourself. This is your journey. Not theirs!
Misconceptions of Being a Stay at Home Mom w/ Depression & Anxiety
- Moms should not be depressed because of the material things that they own and/or for blessings they’ve been given – This can be extremely frustrating because sometimes they think that because I have a car, food, clothes, etc that I’m not allowed to complain or express discontent.
- Depression just goes away – The worst is being told to snap out of it. I wouldn’t be in it if it were that simple!
- You just need to be strong – I know that you mean well, but it’s very irritating to hear people tell you to be strong. Trust me, we know this! This doesn’t help.
- Don’t be judgmental – Sometimes working mothers say that they wish they could stay home with their kids, and they don’t understand how a SAHM can be depressed. So again, I choose to suffer in silence as opposed to offending a working mother with my privilege of staying home.
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To Friends & Family: What to Do & Say to a Stay at Home Mom Dealing w/ Depression & Anxiety
- Get in the habit of checking on stay at home moms dealing with depression – Don’t just assume that we are fine. If you haven’t heard from a mom in a bit, a quick call will be greatly appreciated and will make her feel like someone actually cares about her.
- How’s mom? When asking how the kids are doing, don’t forget to ask the mom how she is doing as well.
- Be open and willing to listen – I have a family member who gets upset if I talk about my depression with them.
- Looks are not what they seem – Sometimes I get tired of pretending to be happy for your benefit.
The Takeway
Being a stay-at-home dealing with depression and anxiety is not the end of the world, even though at times it feels as though it is. Can it be cured? I don’t know. I wish I could tell you yes with all certainty. But you can still enjoy life with it. Just remember to take one day at a time. Be kind to yourself! Go for walks, listen to music, dance like nobody’s watching, and sing at the top of your lungs. You are doing amazing momma!
I’m here for you if you need to chat. Be sure to drop a comment below!
Twyla Saravia
Twyla is a stay-at-home mom of 3 boys learning to deal with extreme depression and anxiety. Be sure to follow her on Instagram and YouTube for more on music, writing, inspiring moms, fashion & ways to cope with depression and anxiety.
14 thoughts on “Dealing with Stay at Home Mom Depression in 2023: No One Understands Me”
I wish more people would talk about this topic. Thanks for sharing
For sure. You’re welcome.
It is not a chemical imbalance to feel these things. It is normal. Motherhood has been spoiled by society. There are so many other cooler, better things to do than sit around wiping butts now, compared to our ancestors who only had their gardens and livestock, there were no restaurants or movies to watch or bars to hop. I learned this is my issue. Society has given us so many cool things to play with that we feel unfulfilled and left out not being able to participate.
While every situation is different it’s definitely something a lot of moms experience.
I can relate so much. I have been a stay at home mom gor about a year now. 2020 and 2021 have been nothing short of a rollercoaster. I have a 7 month old who is extremely clingy and fussy and a 5 year old daughter who is a god sent. She is so helpful but some days she really get her attitude going. But my depression has really kicked into high gear the past year. I dont get no help with my kids. My husband is always working long hours. He comes home and relaxes and eats dinner and does what he wants to do. I cant leave to go to the store when i want. I dont have anyone who is willing to help me with the kids. My inlaws coms up with redicilous reasons why they cant help with the kids when i need a break. I never get a break. My kids are with me 24/7. I get up with my son at night, im up with the kids all day, i do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry. Dont get me wrong, i love being a mom but i dont get a break! Between home schooling my daughter, my son being clingy, running a business and evey day life im so burnt out. I need medication but no one will watch my kids so i can go to the doctor. And with Covid, i cant take my kids with me. I feel lonely, lost, depressed and dont even get me started on my anxiety. I can be doing the dishes and start crying. My depression started in 2019 when my son Zachary was born sleeping. Then 10 months later we found out we were pregnant with our son conner. Between loosing Zachary and never getting me time, im going out of my mind. I just sit and cry anf get looked at like im a “cry baby”. I need help but no one will help me. I feel like im screaming and no one can hear me. Ugh i hate this feeling.
Wow! You are juggling ALOT!! I know exactly how you feel tho because I’ve been there! It’s tough being a mom because I feel everything always falls on our shoulders. It would be nice if your hubby could help out more with the kids . . . Is that an option? You know like sitting down with him & really talking about it and what you two can do to change things? If not, is it an option to hire help to come into your home to watch the kids and/or cook & clean? I use to experience the same thing with my in laws. . . Excuse after excuse until I just stopped asking. It is sad but it is what it is with them. I would definitely suggest finding a way to take a break because you may find yourself exploding eventually. You HAVE TO get breaks!!! . . . It’s not an option not to!!! Reach out anytime . . . I’m here!
I’ve never read a more relatable article. I didn’t even consider that this is a thing. I’m used to having depression and I know miming ain’t easy but I never connected the too or had a title for it. Yes life would certainly be different had I not been a stay at home mom and this could be part of the reason I feel so extremely down. Thank you so much for this post, it’s very appreciated.
Yes, I think there are a lot of us moms that don’t realize what it actually is. I’m glad you enjoyed it!
Your post could not have come at a more needed time in my life. I have been battling depression since my twins were born in August 2018. I am also a mama of 3 boys, all under the age of 5. Before having kids my career was my life and after my first was born we decided I would stay home. Which I am so grateful to get to do, but I’ve lost myself in that. I don’t know who I am anymore other than a mom. And lately my depression has just been so bad I don’t even want to get out of bed. It breaks my heart cause I see how it’s affecting my oldest, he’s starting to act out more. I have a therapist I talk to but she’s the only person I really feel I can talk to because no one else really gets it. So it was so refreshing to read you post. I was like finally someone who gets it! It actually made me cry because I’ve had times where I’ve driven around because I needed to talk to someone but had no one to talk to, so I drove around until I was done melting down and could go home to my kids and hubs.
God bless you
Stephanie
I know exactly how you feel. . . Yes, being a mom is hard at times and sometimes it’s hard to find someone that understands. . . . Having friends that are also moms have really helped me.
Hi Twyla,
Thank you so much for this post. I definitely resonated with a lot of what you wrote. I am also a mother to 3 boys (3 and younger) and currently pregnant with a 4th child and it’s so hard sometimes. As helpful as my husband is, he’s a great father, he still lacks understanding the things that I go through being a stay at home mom. Majority of the time I do not express what I truly feel because I don’t want to sound like I am complaining or ungrateful so I suffer silently. I mentioned that a small part of me sometimes resent the fact that he can do things so freely and sometimes I just feel stuck. I know there is more to me than just being a wife & mom but it’s challenging trying to figure out exactly who I am and the things I like. Anyway, I can probably talk about this for 3 more hours lol but thank you for sharing this post and helping stay at home mothers like myself. Be blessed!
Goosebumps. Everything you said hit the nail on the head for me! Literally, “check, check, and check”. I am in such a rut. I binge eat, then I have so much anger towards myself for being like that and I take it out on my son. I yell at him, I don’t play with him, and I isolate. How is that fair to him? I can’t keep on living this way. I’m going to start with your advice! Thank you for righting this. For once I can breathe knowing I’m not alone.
Yes, they will help! No. . . You’re DEFINITELY not alone! You’ll be so surprised how many moms are going through the EXACT same thing. XOXO
Hello Molleigh, I hope you are doing well at this moment. You are most definitely not alone. Please take it slowly. Do the best you can do today. Leave tomorrow’s cares for tomorrow. Thank heavens that kids are resilient and his love for you is unconditional. No one doubts that you love him. But you need to work on yourself first. It goes against our nature as mothers to put ourselves first. But how can you take care of him if you feel like trash? Do nice things for you every day. Literally put it in your planner. You deserve it. It’s a little hard in the beginning. Your mind will fight you. But you can do this. Your mind is a liar. There is nothing wrong with putting your needs ahead of others. From this moment on, stop beating yourself up about binging. When you feel the urge to binge, replace it with something else that you enjoy. Perhaps a book, magazine, a cup of coffee or tea, or maybe even take your son for a nice walk. By the time you finish, the urge to binge will be gone! You are not alone and I am here if you need to vent! Twyla